Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I would move hell over six inches for you
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.