i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
This January has 47 Mondays
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
saving face 👀
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…