Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
You Might Also Like
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
This classic never gets old . . .
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Happy weekend !
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade