If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
God, I love Scotland