Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.