Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Breaking news:
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?