diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.