Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
kids play hide and seek like
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?