If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
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I want this so bad
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
🛁
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
When can I start eating bats again.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.