[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.