[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.