I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
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don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
hackers play passwordle
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.