“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.