Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
gm
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
early stone age tool
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.