i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.