my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?