When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me sliding into hell like
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
This was a bad idea all around
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.