Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
181.
How funny!
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one