[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.