My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Any refunds available?…
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.