I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.