6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.