Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.