This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
So, can we agree on 4 or
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]