@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)