Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution