My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree