My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.