[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now