Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
☠️☠️☠️
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
🔦🌙👣
No, he would not have.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*