I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
You Might Also Like
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.