boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.