Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Who.
Did.
This?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.