me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Good Morning.