If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
This one’s “Alex”.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.