I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I missed you with all my darts
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”