i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
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She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.