A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
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i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Breaking news:
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?