Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
#titanic
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Happy Thanksgiving
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.