What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.