DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
These 3D printers are insane!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
back to work
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa