Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,