Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
A completely valid reaction tbh
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.