Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
#SCOTUS one-star review
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands