If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
It’s an epidemic…
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”