Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass