I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?