I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Peace was never an option
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!