There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Happy weekend !
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach