When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
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I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for